Making Meaning Out Of Infidelity

The film "Every Day" by Director Richard Levine highlighted for me 2 important ideas. First, resentments usually settle in when we choose not to express ourselves or our needs. Instead, we keep them to ourselves, they inevitably fester, and lead to us to emotional isolation. An alternative path might be to strike a position of transparency in the face of our tendency toward isolation and withdrawal. Second, this film addressed the complexities of infidelity. Usually infidelity is born out of a brewing emotional disconnect which has been going on well before the infidelity occurred. All too often our impulse is to make meaning out of infidelity in victim-villain terms. From this place, coming to understand what may have happened and even transforming the crisis is very difficult.

Hazards of Social Networking

I watched an interesting documentary called "Catfish" by Filmmakers Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman. This film speaks to the potential hazards of social networking and reminds us parents to keep an eye on who our children are "friending" online. I think this film also reminds us to value our own online privacy and to reflect on the difference between a face to face relationship and one conducted through the technologies of the Internet, text messaging, and email.

Tempered Optimism

I recently read an interesting article by a Dutch Psychologist, Ad Bergsma in the September 2010 Issue of Ode Magazine (Odemagazine.com). Dr. Bergsma discusses the growing movement within mental health in response to the societal pressure, particularly in America, to be in a constant state of "positivity" and "optimism." There is a developing body of research suggesting an alternative more balanced view called "tempered optimism;" hoping for a positive outcome and balancing it with a healthy dose of pessimism. A tempered optimist will want things to go well but will remember that things can go wrong and will plan accordingly. Various studies seem to suggest that when we enter into challenging situations, including relationships, from an understanding that they may be difficult and probably won't come easily, we are more apt to experience more positive, long term success.

The Asking Process

Couples and Family Therapy is often about asking a loved one to make certain changes on our behalf. I believe there are 2 significant parts of "the asking process:" how we ask (as opposed to what we ask), and paradoxically in separating ourselves from the expectation that the change request will be honored. The more we ask for change without an attachment to the outcome, the greater the chance it will occur.

Siblings

I recently read a well developed article about sibling relationships in the August, 2010 Psychology Today Magazine (http://www.psychologytoday.com/) by H.E. Marano. Marano describes how this important family relationship, including sibling positioning, shapes who we are and the people we are attracted to as adults. I have a copy of it in my office.

Clear The Mind

I just returned from a drive to Big Sur. This is a good trip to clear one's mind, calm the nervous system, and for couples to reconnect. The enormity of nature can put one's problem-concerns in perspective. Good "therapy" but best to leave the kids at home for this one.

The Pornography Epidemic

I recently read an article by Wendy Maltz, LCSW ("Out of the Shadows: What's The Prevalence of Porn Doing To Our Psyches?" ("Psychotherapy Networker," November/December 2009). Mrs. Maltz quotes a 2004 Columbia University study revealing that 45% of teens admit to having friends who regularly view or download porn; a 2009 Harris Interactive Survey showing 19% of teens sexting; and 2009 data by the CDC identifying the age of 1st sexual encounters falling while teen-pregnancy and teen sexually transmitted disease rates increasing.

There is a widespread practice of sexual acting out in preteens and teens, boys and girls alike. I see the worried faces of parents' in my LA based psychotherapy practice who ask me what they should do after they have read their child's IM or Text Messages, or have had a conversation confirming their child's participation in risky sexual behavior.

Parents, it is important to establish a deep emotional connection with your child and one that starts early in his/her life. Dads, your presence in challenging this social assault is vital; especially if you have a daughter. Daughters' who seem to grow up with a long-standing belief that they are not understood by their parents' are too often positioned to use sex and porn as a way of validating themselves and filling an emotional void. It seems like parents become aware of their child's interest in porn or sex and then feel compelled to act. This puts parents way behind the curve with a road to offering protection that is long; often too long to make and filled with anxiety and trepidation.