tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-91238387166796566192024-03-13T08:14:32.894-07:00JON KRAMERFamily Therapist and Relationship Coachjkfamilytherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10784226143195228426noreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9123838716679656619.post-61538839003789102592019-11-19T14:52:00.001-08:002019-11-19T14:57:49.981-08:00Who Are The Adults In The Room?<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj0F1dKWxkeEuY_57_pIIy4ve0DgQ8YCXQavGelOJI37oURhZ-GG5HUCwYh6_z2Wj8mQK-HFpGnX_zQ63mA4wQV5vZNjyJXKyZB8of9P_WTGD7n_3n90pXy8-bciEzK9u7whLFUz3En9A/s1600/image.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj0F1dKWxkeEuY_57_pIIy4ve0DgQ8YCXQavGelOJI37oURhZ-GG5HUCwYh6_z2Wj8mQK-HFpGnX_zQ63mA4wQV5vZNjyJXKyZB8of9P_WTGD7n_3n90pXy8-bciEzK9u7whLFUz3En9A/s320/image.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><u><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></u>
<u><span style="font-size: small;">Our children are listening</span></u><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;">One of my client-couples brought these post-it notes in to show me and to discuss. They were heart broken. While arguing, their young daughter went onto the family computer and did a google search for "conflict resolution." This is what their daughter wrote down and handed to them.</span></div>
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
jkfamilytherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10784226143195228426noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9123838716679656619.post-70159209600844907342019-10-28T16:18:00.001-07:002019-10-31T16:21:26.054-07:00The 3-Marriage Cycle<div class="MsoNormal">
Often the starting point for my clinical work with struggling
couples is their desire to remain together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Other times, it is with couples where one or both of them are not sure
if they want to stay together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or, the clinical
work begins with couples that have made the decision to move their relationships
toward divorce.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In any of these
scenarios, I am interested to assess what marriage cycle the presenting couple is
in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And how their “previous marriages” evolved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even if they were to each other.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Based on my years of practice, in most long-term relationships
spouses generally marry each other 3 times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The 1<sup>st</sup> marriage usually occurs pre-children (“pre-children”).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The 2<sup>nd</sup> one during the years of co-parenting
and work (“children and work”), and their last marriage once their children are
leaving/have left the home and retirement looms (“post-children”).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many of us mark our 1<sup>st</sup> marriage
with a formal celebration of some kind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It is the other 2 that quietly occur without any conscious awareness of
any remarriage taking place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is in
the adjusting to this next marriage that problems sometimes occur.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my post-graduate training I was taught to
identify challenges within “developmental milestones.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This meant pinpointing events that forced
a family to change the way they related to one another.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many of these events are normative, like the
birth of a child, or the adding of another one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Other times they are unexpected and traumatic like a death or a fire.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For couples, I consider the transition from “1
marriage to the next” to be a developmental milestone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A couple has to re-adjust to a changing relationship
between them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is this unaware experience
that can breed resentments.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The pre-children marriage typically occurs in relative
youth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A couple is more emotionally and
sexually agile because they carry less responsibilities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even if they don’t realize it there is more
time!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are fewer distractions and they
are able to focus more fully on one other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In contrast, the children and work marriage is a different and distinct
marriage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A couple must now manage the
multiple stressors of juggling a marital relationship alongside a co-parenting relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A couple cannot focus on each other the way
they used to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Men can feel ignored and
women can feel stressed by being everything to everyone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The post-children marriage is in part a
return to the original marriage. A couple must now figure out how to re-focus
on each other without the distractions of their busy family and work lives. They
must now figure out if they still like each other and if they still want to be
together in retirement and for the duration of their lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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It is not uncommon for me to hear couples discussing anger
and hurt from their current post-children marriage that occurred years ago in their
pre-children marriage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A husband, for
example, realizing that he had been “grieving” a time when he felt noticed by
his spouse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or that same time when a
wife felt like her husband wanted only her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Marital transformation regardless of the starting point in my work
occurs when a couple becomes more conscious about their various marital life
cycles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And its impact on who they were,
and who they are, both individually and as a couple. <o:p></o:p></div>
jkfamilytherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10784226143195228426noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9123838716679656619.post-51135422224162113142018-11-29T08:50:00.003-08:002018-11-29T08:50:44.472-08:00Children Will Choose: 2 Ideas As To Why<div class="MsoNormal">
Children will choose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sometimes I sit with couples attempting to strengthen their marriages.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Other times I sit with high conflict couples who
are attempting to salvage them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
still other times I sit with couples who have decided to divorce and are
seeking a path forward for their family, which involves a co-parenting plan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In any of these scenarios, our children are
usually aware on some level that things in their home are not entirely
harmonious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Children crave harmony and safety,
emotional and physical.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Somewhere along
an invisible emotional continuum, it happens that a child will make a choice
between aligning himself or herself with one parent or the other.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Cloe Madanes, a pioneering Strategic Family Therapist, has spoken
about human relationships in the context of threes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>2 parents and a child, a couple and an affair,
3 siblings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She encouraged family and
couples therapists to assess the “triads” within a family from a perspective of
who is in and who is out. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The in pair
(i.e. a parent and a child) would be described as “in an alliance” and the out
person, the other parent, on the periphery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It is fairly common for sons to align themselves with their fathers, and
vice versa, or daughters with their mothers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Gender can be a powerful parent-child magnet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If not careful, struggling partners will
consciously or unconsciously recruit their children to aid and abet in their
fight against each other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Other times
children will consciously or unconsciously choose a side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yet, how do children end up choosing?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps an evolutionary instinct to survive
is baked into all of us and as such a child will pick the parent who will best
assure him/her of this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It would be most
interesting to ask a professor of geography like Jared Diamond (<u>Guns, Germs,
and Steel</u>) or else a historian of world history like Yuval Noah Harari (<u>Sapiens:
A Brief History of Humankind</u>) to weigh in on this idea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Intellectuals like Diamond and Harari
describe how humans developed through time and how some lived on and thrived
while others did not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When children are
faced with parents and a home environment that does not feel emotionally safe,
they will perhaps on some primitive level-honed by our species for over 2
million years- choose the parent they think will best “save them.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Alternatively, we as a society are living in what some have
described as an age of political tribalism.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Regardless of one’s political views, our culture in this regard has pushed
us to choose sides.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And to choose from an
“us or them” mentality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In family
systems terms, the president, congress, along with the judiciary, a triad,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>metaphorically can be seen as our country’s
parental/executive subsystem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are
often in disagreement over policy and as such set the tone for how they will
interact with each other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like children
in a family the rest of us look to our government family system to model
appropriate behavior, especially during their moments of conflict.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are living in an age where we are choosing
sides politically while castigating the other, and I wonder if our children are
being socialized to do the same.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To
choose a side, a parent, and by association to hold contempt for the other.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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I am in the business of assisting couples.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some who are making a go at staying together
and others who are making a go at divorcing while remaining a family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Along this continuum, if couples are not
intentional about how they manage their often-strong negative feelings for the
other, their children will become emotionally frightened and pick a side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They will do this either out of a primitive
instinct or out of what they are learning from our broader culture.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Either way, if not careful children will
choose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
jkfamilytherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10784226143195228426noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9123838716679656619.post-73301439565420310512018-11-05T13:57:00.000-08:002018-11-05T13:57:06.818-08:00Co-Parenting? Maybe<div class="MsoNormal">
High conflict couples.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Some seek my services attempting to salvage their marriage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Others have decided to divorce and request my
services as a “co-parenting communication expert.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In this latter scenario, I am called upon to
help high conflict couples co-parent their children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Usually these couple’s assumption about
co-parenting is something akin to working together as parents. This is a tall
order if the couple hardly agrees on much, gets into arguments over big and
small issues, and carries too much anger and not enough indifference toward the
other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While co-parenting in principle
is the ideal, sometimes it is beyond a high conflict couple’s reach.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In these cases, parallel parenting, while in
my view less preferred, is probably a better, more tenable option.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Co-parenting is a framework that suggests 2 cooperative parents
working together to make decisions on behalf of their children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If the children live in a 2-home
configuration (i.e. part of the week with one parent and the other part of the
week with the other), co-parenting would reflect a similar “culture” in both
homes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This might include similar rules
and expectations related to bedtimes, curfews, screen time limits, and general
behavior.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In essence, there would be a
seamless 2-home experience for the children, with 2 parents who have dissolved
their marital relationship yet still value their ability to work together as
parents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These parents would be able to
communicate with each other through direct dialogue, telephone, email or text messaging.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They would be able to agree and more
importantly be able to disagree without tensions rising or conflicts between
them intensifying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Within a 2-home <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">co-parenting arrangement</i>, children
generally do well related to depression, anxiety and other psychological
issues.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If there is too much emotional conflict between parents
however, co-parenting is not realistic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Alternatively, parallel parenting (<a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201309/parallel-parenting-after-divorce">https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201309/parallel-parenting-after-divorce</a>)
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
is probably the better option.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Given the similar circumstances of a 2-home
environment, parallel parenting suggests more of an “invisible wall” between
the 2 homes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Each parent sets his or her
own culture, rules and expectations, with limited to no contact between each
other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The children live their lives
with mom on pre-arranged days and holidays and with dad on certain others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The advantage of this arrangement is that
high conflict parents don’t have the opportunity to communicate and thus get
into conflicts with each other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
inevitably allows both parents to “cool off” and potentially down the road move
toward a co-parenting relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
disadvantage of parallel parenting is that children are often stressed (i.e.
anxious or depressed) as they must accept that their parents carry negative
feelings towards one other and are not able or willing to resolve them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Commonly, I am asked to assist divorcing couples with
co-parenting needs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The beginning
assumption made by many couples is that they can feud and yet parent together
at the same time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Usually I can help
high conflict couples recognize that this dynamic will not work if they want to
constructively parent together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some
couples are able to rise above their strong feelings for the other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Others however are too entrenched in thoughts
and feelings and in these cases need to fall back to parallel parenting. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My experience is that parallel parenting over
a short period of time does not create deep psychological damage for
children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Over longer periods of time
however, it can.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sounds like an
interesting dissertation project for anyone reading this who might be looking
into a PhD/PsyD topic.<o:p></o:p></div>
jkfamilytherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10784226143195228426noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9123838716679656619.post-73494822026994772762018-10-19T16:05:00.001-07:002018-10-19T16:05:11.929-07:004 Important Aspects Of A Divorce Coach's 1st Session<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometimes couples come to see me to save their marriage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Other times they come seeking assistance in
navigating the complicated process of divorce.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They have come to this difficult decision, sometimes mutually, sometimes
initiated by one or the other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At this juncture,
I am called upon to act not as the couple’s therapist, but as their “divorce
coach.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When a couple seeking divorce
contacts me, they often want to know what to expect during their first session,
often called an “intake session.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There are several important topics I cover during this first
session though all are done within the context of assessing the emotional intensity
between the couple.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In simple terms this
assessment is done on a scale of low to high emotional intensity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a divorce coach, assessing the various
“trigger topics” (i.e. where the blame is hiding) and managing the emotional
intensity is my primary job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This ultimately
clears a path for the mediating or collaborative attorneys to move their
clients through their divorce process as expeditiously and as emotionally
pain-free as possible. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Beyond assessing intensity and the associated triggers, an
additional topic of exploration is what we call the couple’s “interests and
concerns.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is shorthand for what
each client hopes will occur through their divorce process and what each is
worried might happen instead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Common
interests cited by my clients may be, “a divorce that puts the needs of our
children first,” or “a divorce where we can come out and still be on speaking
terms.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Concerns mentioned might be,
“everyone will like my husband better than me and as a result he will get more
of what he wants,” or “since I initiated the divorce my husband will attempt to
punish me financially or with the time share of our children.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Interests and concerns help to highlight
potential triggers and they also begin to provide, particularly the interests,
a road map for how the couple wants to travel their divorce path.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Another important area, borrowed from the Discernment
Counseling work of Dr. William Doherty, is a discussion about the couple’s
“divorce narrative.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whether the couple
agrees or not on the details, it is vital that each has the opportunity to
describe in their own words how a divorce decision was reached.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a colleague once said to me, we are a
story-making people and without a coherent story, we cannot heal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Beyond the divorce narrative, I also want to
know about any substance abuse, abuse in general, and any trauma
histories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Additionally, I want to know
about the couple’s divorce plan so far.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Have they hired attorneys yet, consulting attorneys, and/or a neutral
accountant?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is either in their own
individual therapies?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And if I have an
opportunity at this point I will help couples steer toward non-litigating
professionals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The last part of an
intake session relates to assessing “divorce ambivalence.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To use Dr. Dougherty’s Discernment Counseling
language again, are both partners leaning out, or are either or both still
leaning in?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is an intake assessment
about the couple’s readiness for divorce.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Or either’s desire to return to working on their marriage before taking
additional steps towards divorce.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
An intake session for couples seeking marital therapy is
similar and in many ways different to an intake session for couples seeking
divorce.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the latter scenario,
assessing and containing fear and worry about divorce, about how their family
will change, and whether their children will be OK is the first order of
business.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Beyond that, several topics including
an assessment of emotional intensity, trigger issues, and others need to be
identified. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A structured yet free
flowing first session will help guide the couple, with my assistance, through a
smooth divorce process.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
jkfamilytherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10784226143195228426noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9123838716679656619.post-27864458791884181212018-10-10T09:45:00.000-07:002018-10-19T16:06:01.391-07:004 Important Aspects of A Couples Therapist's 1st Session<div class="MsoNormal">
I am often asked what to expect by couples coming to see me
for their 1<sup>st</sup> couples therapy session.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are several areas I set out to cover
during this meeting also referred to as an “intake session.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A productive intake balances a couple’s need
to speak about what brought them in to see me with a structured and emotionally
safe conversation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By the end of this
meeting, a couple should experience some interplay of spontaneity and an organization
of the information discussed. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One important aspect to the intake session is a conversation
about what led the couple to contact me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>How have they reached this particular point where they decided to
address some important, often critical aspects of themselves and their
relationship?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>From the clinician’s point
of view, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">how</i> this narrative is
articulated is as important, perhaps even more so, that what is actually
said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For example, is the presenting
problem(s) described in victim-villain terminology?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is there blaming and shaming or instead some
shared understanding of the problem(s)?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And,
does each partner conceptualize “how they got here” in a similar, somewhat
different, or entirely different way?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Another part of the intake is the couple’s description of what solution-focused
couples therapists call their “attempted solutions.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This includes any past or present individual
and/or couples therapies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
information serves to inform the clinician about what has been helpful, to
potentially build upon, as well as what was not, in order to avoid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It also provides a beginning assessment of
the couple’s general attitude toward therapy, each other, and their sense hopefulness
at this point in time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Another area of the intake conversation is what Dr. William
Doherty, terms “the best of times” assessment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This question asks each partner to describe a memory of connection or
joy during his or her relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dr.
Doherty uses this assessment tool as part of his “discernment” counseling protocol.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I believe this also fits with the couple
therapy intake process.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The response to
this question provides 2 things: it can signal a positive feeling in the room
which counter balances the weight of the moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The couple is offered the opportunity to
“look back” to a nostalgic place and by association perhaps look forward to
possibilities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It also provides a quick
assessment of any ambivalence related to the request for services at this time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If either or both partners are reluctant to
answer or remember “a best of times” then there is usually some ambivalence
towards couple therapy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This might lead
me to pivot towards assessing for discernment counseling instead of couples therapy
as the starting point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Both partners
need to have made a clear decision to pursue their couple’s work in order to
ensure some success in their couple’s therapy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Other aspects of the intake session include the noting of
any substance abuse, addictions, and/or trauma histories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Additionally, as a trained systemically
oriented couples therapist I inquire about the 5-common stressors that
influence couple satisfaction/dissatisfaction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Usually the more of these stressors present the greater the emotional turmoil
between the couple.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And this starting
point needs to be determined at intake. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
The emphasis of an intake session is to get a struggling couple
off to a productive and meaningful therapeutic start.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A first couple’s first therapy session is a balance
between allowing a couple to speak freely about what brought them in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And about experiencing a trained therapist who
can make sure there is some semblance of order to a difficult beginning
conversation. <o:p></o:p></div>
jkfamilytherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10784226143195228426noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9123838716679656619.post-74053684873349156662018-09-21T15:24:00.000-07:002018-09-21T15:24:16.493-07:00Speaking With Your Child About Divorce: 3 Things To Remember<div class="MsoNormal">
I spend a lot of my time working with couples.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Full disclosure, I prefer to help them stay
together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Long-term relationships are
not easy and they require continual care and attention.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are times however when a couple decides
to divorce.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When this decision is reached,
some of the clinical work must turn toward telling the children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This conversation often brings up parent’s anticipatory
fear and worry.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The major areas that make up this conversation are “the
when, the where and the what.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Parents
preparing themselves for this conversation usually believe that they need to
have their divorce plan fully organized.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They think their answers need to be well thought out and what they say
need to both comfort and sooth their children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Parents want their children to know, “it wasn’t your fault.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Phew.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This is a lot of pressure!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
first thing I offer parents is permission to slow down and calm their own
nervous systems.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If they are calm,
“emotionally anchored,” this will be the bigger gift they bring to this
conversation than anything they might actually say.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Back to the when issue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It is a good idea to help couples think through some aspects of how they
visualize their post-divorce family life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Will they continue to co-habitate in the family home?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will one parent move into a new home?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will they “nest” (the children remain in the
family home while each parent take turns leaving during their non-custodial
time)?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I help parents discuss in general
terms who will take care of their children on given days even if a full
“parenting plan” has not yet been crafted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Some additional thoughts on the when part of this discussion: it is best
to speak at the beginning of a weekend so there is time for children to absorb
the information.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is also important to
avoid having this conversation on important holidays or birthdays. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And now the “where.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It is generally a good idea to speak with children in a familiar yet
neutral place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Familiar can be the local
park or the beach where the family often spends time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It can be in the family home though not in
anyone’s bedroom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bedrooms are not
considered neutral spaces; they are safe, nurturing spaces that need to be emotionally
protected.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lastly, the “what.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Children regardless of age want to know 2 basic
things:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>am I going to be safe,
emotionally and physically, and will this change lead to more family
harmony.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Parents will want to have this
1<sup>st</sup> conversation together and will want to keep it short.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is not a “1 and done” but rather the
beginning of many conversations to come as their children will inevitably have
more questions and concerns.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Parents may
say something like, “mom and I have been working on our marriage and things
just haven’t worked out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’ve decided
to end our relationship as husband and wife but we will continue forever to be mom
and dad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are still a family and
always will be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You guys are safe and we
hope our decision will bring much more calm and peace to all of us.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Parents can tear up; modeling emotions is
fine as long as it is not excessive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Questions may be asked and the key is to thank children for asking, and
then answer honestly and age appropriately.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Don’t disparage the other parent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And if whatever they are asking has not yet been figured out let your
children know that they will be told as soon as it is figured out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Telling children about divorce is not an easy conversation
yet it can be managed with guidance and planning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Feeling anxiety about this discussion, how a
child will experience it, and how it will affect their life is normal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Projecting calm however and emotional
stability is paramount.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like many
things, our children take their cues from us.<o:p></o:p></div>
jkfamilytherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10784226143195228426noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9123838716679656619.post-4911971285018612542018-09-06T16:00:00.002-07:002018-09-06T16:03:42.112-07:00Couples Take Note<div class="MsoNormal">
Couples with children take note.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is easy to lose your marital relationship
in pursuit of your child’s needs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is common
for me to receive an initial phone call from a parent asking for assistance
with their child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The common presenting concerns
are mood-related issues such as depression and anxiety, or behavioral concerns such
as oppositionality and rule following, or others such as ADHD or some form of a
thought disorder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Parents making this
initial call have been battling these issues (and their children) sometimes for
years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They have been their child’s
advocate in the schools and in their community.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They have even relocated to other states so their children could attend
certain schools in hopes of meeting their child’s challenges.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Usually one of the parents somewhere along
the line becomes the default “primary parent ” toward this end.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The other parent, especially if they are the
primary wage earner usually takes the peripheral-support position.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The common presenting therapeutic dynamic is
to have one parent “married” to their child and their child’s needs, and the
other parent “married” to their work, or some other distraction.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bookmark: OLE_LINK1;"><span style="mso-bookmark: OLE_LINK2;">Inadvertently, this child has become overly empowered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are usually “kid-gloved” by their other
family member.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If there are siblings,
the siblings as well as the peripheral-support parent are usually consciously
or unconsciously resentful; the child of concern has taken “all of the oxygen”
in the family system.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The rebalance then
becomes supporting the needs of this child while also leaving time and energy
for the other family members.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is
especially true for the couple’s relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Time and again I can assess a couple that is functioning as a
mother-father (or partner-partner) dyad yet has lost hold of their marital
dyad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes the child with needs is
sleeping in their parent’s bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I might
hear, “they are calmer when they get a good night’s sleep.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes the primary parent and child are
co-sleeping while the other parent sleeps in a separate room. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I ask these couple when they were last out
together, just the 2 of them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Crickets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will ask them when
they last kissed or had sex.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Awkward
looks around the room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bookmark: OLE_LINK1;"><span style="mso-bookmark: OLE_LINK2;">There is great therapeutic power in taking back one’s couple
relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It serves to refuel parents
who need to continue to advocate for their children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Feeling attractive and noticed by your spouse
generates positive momentum.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Taking back
the marital relationship also sends an important message to the child of
concern (and any child) that the family does not entirely revolve around them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In family therapy terms, this describes “emotionally
growing a child up.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The idea is that
the child with needs has been “emotionally grown down” by their needs and yet
is too grown up by all of the attention and power they have garnered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Appropriately growing this child up means
letting them recognize that family and marital life goes on and they need to do
their part to manage their needs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
often translates into positive behavioral changes on their part and within the
family environment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So parents take note.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t’ give up on your child who has
needs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just don’t give up on your
marriage either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Prioritize your marital
relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even at times above what
your child seems to need. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
jkfamilytherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10784226143195228426noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9123838716679656619.post-63818998206008342942018-08-14T21:41:00.001-07:002018-08-14T21:41:24.425-07:00Mediation and Couples Therapy<div class="MsoNormal">
Colleagues and clients have sometimes asked me if I do
mediation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or if I consider myself a
mediator.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Early in my post-graduate
training in Family Systems and Couples Therapy, I observed the now deceased
mediation pioneer, John Haynes, conduct a live interview.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I, along with other trainees, watched his
mediation meeting behind what is called “a one-way mirror.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was my first time observing mediation
live and I remember thinking how similar his work seemed to the work I was
learning to do.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I distinctly remember watching Haynes intentionally place
himself in the mediation conversation as a neutral professional.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a couples therapist then and now, and whether
I am helping couples reconcile or divorce, I am doing the same thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Any skilled mediator or couples therapist
needs to be experienced by the party (aka the couple) as if he is on everyone’s
side and no ones side at the same time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At
one point, I watched John challenge one party during his interview and then
later make sure to challenge the other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>By the end of his meeting, both partners seemed to leave feeling equally
supported and challenged by him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is
good mediation and this is also good couples therapy.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I also remember John meeting with the parties together and
apart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Though less common, productive
couples therapy is also sometimes conducted in this way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are times when a person’s behavior
needs to be confronted or explored.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Doing so in front of their spouse however can feel shaming to the
individual and can create a defensive response.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Alone, this person can be more open to receiving the feedback,
specially, if it is delivered by a mediator or a couples therapist in a
skillful and disarming way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Moving back
and forth between the parties-together and individually-is part of the
scaffolding of successful mediation and couples therapy.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I watched John early in his interview establish goals for
his mediation. He also set an agenda for
the meeting I was observing. Expert
couples work needs to do the same.
Within the 1<sup>st</sup> few meetings, I too will have developed goals
with the couple that are as specific and tangible as possible. “Communicating better” is fine yet it is not
specific enough. Assisting a couple to
describe what this would look like is better.
Two such examples might be, “I would say something and feel like he is
listening and understands me,” or “she would speak <i>with</i> me, not <i>at</i> me.” Alternatively, “we would love each other
more” is not specific enough. “I would
wake up and want to hug my spouse,” or “I would want to have sex with him” is
better. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Likewise, any couples therapy that does not have a
session-by-session agenda (that also leaves room for spontaneity) is sloppy
couples therapy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was immediately
apparent to me that John Haynes would not allow his mediation sessions to
organically unfold.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This would leave too
much room for the meetings to potentially spin out of control, and for parties
to go off on tangents or impulsively say hurtful or counterproductive
things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the beginning of each session,
I am careful to ask my client-couples, “what do you want to work on
today?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And in the spirit of neutrality
I make sure to ask both partners the same question.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We spend a bit of time prioritizing our items
for discussion and I make sure we all understand what specifically we are
working towards. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Mediation and Couples Therapy are similar processes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The skill set of each largely overlap.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are both short-term in nature and goal
directed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are spontaneous and yet
carefully choreographed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Couples therapy
is often about mediating discussions between couples where they can come to shared
new understandings and agreements.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
are similar and perhaps different at the same time. <o:p></o:p></div>
jkfamilytherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10784226143195228426noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9123838716679656619.post-76647660045418570492018-07-31T13:46:00.000-07:002018-09-21T15:37:56.383-07:00Couples Therapy: "How Did I Get Here?"<div class="MsoNormal">
“How did I get here?” is a phrase I often hear at the
beginning of my couples work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is
usually said out loud by one of the partners in front of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If it is not explicitly stated, it is conveyed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This phrase references a marriage that is buried
under the pressures of job, children, mortgages, multiple cars, expensive meals
and extravagant holidays.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is short
hand for people who feel trapped in a life that they have actively and mutually
participated in building, and now feel blindsided by how it turned out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By the time they see me, they are stuck
between the difficult options of either dialing back their lifestyle choices.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or going forward and continuing to feel
overwhelmed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Usually the couple has been
functioning for some time as <span style="background: white; color: #333333;">“Co-CEO parents” of their
family corporation instead of nurturing (in part) the intimacy of their
husband-wife relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One or both
of them is carrying resentments toward the other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are emotionally isolated, disinterested
in sex with the other, and there is palpable “grief” for the couple
relationship they used to share.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Each in
their own way just want the partner they used to have back!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333;">In Narrative
Therapy, which is a well-known form of psychotherapy, there is a concept referred
to as “negative (and positive) identity conclusions.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These are the beliefs we carry about
ourselves and about our partners.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Examples
of negative identity conclusions as they relate to relationships might be, “she
is a narcissist who only thinks about herself,” or “he is lazy and doesn’t do
anything during the day.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Others identity
conclusions that I sometimes hear are, “she is a complainer,” or “he is a party
boy who never grew up.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Negative
identity conclusions are corrosive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
create emotional isolation in a marriage and pull people apart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are the doom and gloom of marriage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In Discernment Counseling there is a concept called
“hard and soft reasons for considering divorce.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are decent predictors for whether a
couple stands a chance of regrouping and setting their marriage on a healing
path.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Examples of hard reasons for
considering divorce are substance abuse and infidelity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Examples of soft reasons are, “ we don’t
communicate anymore,” or “we have fallen out of love.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333;">In couples therapy
one of the early tasks at hand is assessing how hard or soft the negative
identity conclusions have become.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If a
person has “married” their conclusions about the other then in Discernment
language I consider them hard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The more
entrenched (i.e. hard) the conclusions are, the poorer the prognosis for
salvaging the marital relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If instead
I can assist a partner to “flirt” with their conclusions then we are in a soft
realm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the marital prognosis is
better. When negative identity conclusions are verbalized impulsively in front
of the other they are damaging and I can almost literally see a partner’s heart
closing toward the other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When said to
me privately as part of the therapy, while important, they can perpetuate a
negative feedback loop that points the speaker in the direction of
divorce.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“How did I get here” is a cumulative
effect that occurs over time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Its
building blocks are stored up resentments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>These resentments calcify into negative conclusions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The challenge lies in counterbalancing these negative
conclusions about the other with more positive ones.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These are called in Narrative terms, positive
identity conclusions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These types of
conclusions hold the other person in a more favorable, more loving light.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the light that used to exist before one or
both presumably “got here.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
jkfamilytherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10784226143195228426noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9123838716679656619.post-1706505564446106942018-07-20T14:11:00.002-07:002018-07-24T10:02:14.302-07:00Leaning In and Out of Couples Therapy<div class="MsoNormal">
Usually in Discernment counseling a couple presents where
one of them is “leaning in” and the other is “leaning out.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The former wants the marriage to work and is
invested in anything that will help.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
latter is ambivalent and somewhere along a continuum of being done with the
marriage to considering reconciliation if some major changes were to take
place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The beginning point of couples
therapy is not dissimilar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is rare for
a couple to arrive for a 1<sup>st</sup> session in agreement about saving (or dissolving)
their marriage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The ideal trajectory of
couples therapy is that 2 people come to therapy equally motivated to
“communicate better” and get their relationship back on track.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Before I learned about discernment counseling
I used to start my couples therapy work from this assumption.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The couple wanted to work on their marriage
because they said so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I would
eagerly get to work with them with this shared goal in mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I learned to deconstruct my work however I realized that
if one person said they wanted assistance I assumed both did. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I allowed the quieter person to hang back in
the shadows of our therapy. I didn’t clearly explore their motivation for
seeking my services.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I have previously
mentioned in other posts, discernment counseling research has shown that <span style="background: white; color: #333333;">approximately 30% of couples approach divorce
with some amount of ambivalence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am
not aware of the percentage of couples that approach couples therapy in some
similar state of ambivalence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suspect that
a similar percentage of couples approach couples therapy with ambivalence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span>Currently as a practicing discernment
counselor and a couples therapist, I now assume in both that I am sitting in
front of a leaning in/leaning out couple.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I conduct the early part of my couples therapy work from this starting
point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I believe to do so in any other
way would be a mistake that is commonly committed by well-meaning couples
therapists--I used to be one of them! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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The early stage of couples therapy (and Discernment
Counseling) looks like this:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the leaning
in person needs to be calmed and encouraged to give their partner space so their
partner doesn’t feel emotionally suffocated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The leaning in person is usually ready to accept their faults and reluctant
to challenge their partner to accept any of theirs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They have been “walking on thin ice” and
continue to do so in my office. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
person is easy to spot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This leaning in
person needs to signal an understanding of their part in the problem, a desire
for their partner to perhaps do the same, and a direct and clear signal about their
own desire to change regardless.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the
other hand, the leaning out person needs to be acknowledged as ambivalent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Exploration also needs to occur with this
person about whether they are here to work on their marriage or to “check a
box.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or in some cases whether they plan
to leave their spouse with me to take care of them after they leave. The
leaning out person who is usually standing on “more solid ice” also has to be
encouraged to take a systemic understanding of the problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is a technical way of saying they need
to look at their part in how they both consciously and unconsciously
collaborated to get to where they are now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If the leaning out person can accept their part, even somewhat, and can
be moved away from finger pointing then the couple is better poised for a
productive couples therapy experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If the leaning in person remains urgent to fix things and the leaning
out person remains unsure, then the couple will probably drift in half hearted
couples therapy until they drop out.<span style="background: white; color: #333333;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
jkfamilytherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10784226143195228426noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9123838716679656619.post-46568640787807175942018-07-04T22:02:00.000-07:002018-07-05T19:25:38.553-07:00Substance Abuse and Discernment Counseling<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve decided to write a bit more about Discernment
Counseling, specifically another “hard reason for considering divorce:” substance
abuse/addiction. To review for a moment, Discernment Counselors refer to hard
versus soft reasons for considering divorce; hard reasons are considered the
more challenging issues, which often lead to a divorce decision, as opposed to
soft ones (i.e. poor communication), which are presumed to be more
“workable.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I have previously
mentioned in other posts, the research has shown that <span style="background: white; color: #333333;">approximately
30% of couples approach divorce with some amount of ambivalence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As such these are the couples that could
benefit from Discernment Counseling, a structured process for couples to explore
their options before making a final decision about staying together and working
on their marriage or pursuing divorce.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333;">Alcohol/drugs, as
well as Internet pornography are the more common addictions that present in my
practice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For the sake of simplicity I will
focus this post on drug and alcohol abuse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In Discernment language, there are usually <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“leaning in” and <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“leaning out “ partners.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The leaning in partner prefers to work on the
marriage in an attempt to salvage it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The leaning out person is more ready to pursue divorce.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes I have seen the substance abuser
present in therapy leaning in and other times leaning out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the leaning in scenario, this person shows
up desperate to save the marriage despite abusing substances for some time, creating
chaos and resentment in their wake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As
such, the non-abusing partner is usually leaning out and largely ready to end
the relationship having given up on any hope for change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Usually they are hurt and feel disrespected
by their partner’s actions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Alternatively,
there is also the scenario where the addict presents as leaning out, “hell bent
on maintaining a marriage” with substances over their partner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In this case, the non-abusing partner
continues to lean in, often motivated by worry about emotionally or financially
disrupting their children, and/or fears about custody issues down the line
(i.e. potentially leaving their children alone with an “unsafe” parent).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #333333;">If the addict is
leaning in, preferring to stay and work on their marriage, then they have to face
abstinence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I wrote in my prior post
about infidelity, the substance abuser has to be ready to give up substances,
at least during the 6-month period of couples therapy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is easier said than done for someone who
has an active addiction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In graduate
school l was taught the addiction continuum: use to misuse to abuse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Misuse and abuse pose the more difficult scenarios.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While abstinence is ideal, I have worked with
couples where a decision is made to accept substance <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">use</i> in the form of what is called “warm turkey” as opposed to “cold
turkey.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This means some form of use
(but not misuse or abuse), jointly agreed upon by the couple.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Warm turkey is unconventional in the world of
addiction and psychotherapy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I have
learned through my clinical experiences however, use is often an easier 1<sup>st</sup>
step to make for the substance-abusing spouse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>With 12-step support (or something akin) the goal is to gradually assist
the substance abuser, with the participation of their spouse, to move toward
substance elimination.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The goal is total
abstinence with a recovery program in place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If a couple can get to this point, despite </span>substance
abuse/addictions being viewed as a hard reason,<span style="background: white; color: #333333;"> then
there is some hope for saving the marriage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If not, chances for salvaging a marriage are usually slim.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
jkfamilytherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10784226143195228426noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9123838716679656619.post-53338843411886485772018-06-17T21:23:00.001-07:002018-06-18T15:47:20.480-07:00Infidelity and Discernment Counseling<div class="MsoNormal">
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A bit more about my last post on the issue of infidelity and
what makes it a “hard reason” for considering divorce” as opposed to a soft one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To catch those readers up on terminology, I
am writing about Discernment Counseling and hard versus soft reasons for
considering divorce.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hard reasons are considered
the more challenging issues often leading to a divorce decision, as opposed to
soft ones, which are presumed to be more “workable.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Again the research has shown that <span style="background: white; color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">approximately 30% of couples approach divorce
with ambivalence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As such these are the
couples that could benefit from Discernment Counseling, a structured process
for couples to explore their options before making a final decision about
staying together and working on their marriage or pursuing divorce.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">In graduate school
as part of my couple’s therapy training, the standard of care was that a
therapist would not put himself in a position of “being a holder of
secrets.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That meant he would tell the
couple at the outset of therapy that anything either of them told him “in
confidence” would be shared with the other partner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The rationale for this approach was to make
sure the therapist did not become “triangulated” into the couple’s relationship
by ending up in an alliance with one by having information that both did not
have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On its face this made sense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I progressed as a couple’s therapist I
realized that in the case of infidelity (as well as in other scenarios), this
framework left the cheating partner carrying important information without any
therapeutic space to examine and explore the meaning behind it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a result I sometimes found myself doing
couples therapy while one of the partners maintained a relationship on the side
and never mentioned it or knew how to bring it into the therapy room for fear
of risking turmoil.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was after several
of these cases that I decided that my therapeutic framework needed to change; I
decided to break with tradition.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #333333; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">As I wrote in my
last post, enter Discernment Counseling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>As part of this work, couples are seen together at the beginning of each
session to “check in” and log any thoughts or feeling that have come up since
the prior meeting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then each partner is
seen individually while the other sits in the waiting room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>During this phase, the conversations with
each individual are confidential between him/her and me, the therapist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is during this time that issues such as
infidelity are given the necessary space to be acknowledged and discussed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The cheating partner is given the opportunity
to examine their decision(s), what they may be receiving in this other
relationship, and what it might mean for them to pause or end the affair while
they consider turning their attention towards working on their marriage. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The affair might be about sex and/or about
emotional connection.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The cheating
partner may even love this other person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The idea of giving any or all of this up in order to try and salvage a
marriage that may already be over also needs exploration and all of this is
part and parcel of marital ambivalence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
jkfamilytherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10784226143195228426noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9123838716679656619.post-29884281283505709962018-06-08T13:46:00.003-07:002018-07-31T15:45:50.060-07:00Discernment: Reasons Couples Consider Divorce<div class="MsoNormal">
I see a lot of couples in my practice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes though rarely do both partners
show up at the 1<sup>st</sup> appointment ready and interested in working on
their relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>More often, 1 or
both are ambivalent, are tired out, and are weighing the high stakes of dismantling
the life they have built together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
are not sure if they want to do the therapy work necessary to get back on
track, whatever that might mean.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Enter
Discernment Counseling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>More information
about this process is offered on my website so I will only briefly describe it
here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;">Discernment
Counseling is a structured process for couples to look at their options before
making a final decision about staying together and working on their marriage or
pursuing divorce.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is most appropriate
for couples where one partner wants to preserve and repair the relationship,
and the other is leaning towards ending it. Dr. William Doherty, who developed
this approach out of the University of Minnesota,</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> highlights the r</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;">esearch showing that this “mixed agenda” scenario
exists among approximately 30% of couples approaching divorce. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333;">Generally speaking, clients
usually present with descriptions of their marriage that can predict whether they
will move towards working on their relationship or ending it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In Discernment language we refer to these descriptions
as “hard versus soft reasons for considering divorce.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Soft reasons include: feeling emotionally-sexually
disconnected, loving the other person yet not in love anymore, and/or not
communicating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hard reasons include:
substance abuse, affairs-infidelity, and/or sexual-emotional abuse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The former group frequently leads to a mutual
desire to work on the relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
later group generally doesn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is
not to say that a hard reason like infidelity can’t lead to a desire to work on
the relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It can as long as, for
example, the “cheating” partner is willing to cease the behavior and/or give up
the adulterous relationship at least during the course of the couple’s therapy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333;">Yet what about the
soft reasons?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These are usually
workable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Find me a long-term
relationship where there isn’t some form of emotional or sexual breakdown (this
is different to abuse), or where partners are communicating poorly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or where a couple who has been raising
children over time somewhere started to interact like “Co-CEO parents” of their
family corporation instead of husband and wife.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "cambria"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The CEO rut can bleed
a couple’s relationship of its erotic, of its romantic life-blood. When couples come to see me, I attempt to
normalize their descriptions of growing apart, assuming the hard reasons are
also not present. These couples need a solid
dose of hopefulness. They are tired out
and also brave enough to contact me in the spirit of possibly doing something
different. They are open enough to
challenge their familiar even if their familiar has travelled a well-worn path. There are other factors as well that can
influence the likely success of tackling soft (and sometimes hard) reasons for
divorce like how long these corrosive patterns have been going on. A couple who presents in my office with soft
reasons over say, a year or 2 will look, sound and feel very different to me
than a couple where these patterns have been going on for years and years. I have found that Discernment Counseling can
help. It is a useful starting point that
acknowledges the ambivalence “in the room” </span><!--EndFragment-->jkfamilytherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10784226143195228426noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9123838716679656619.post-56702752711814878072016-03-25T15:12:00.001-07:002016-03-25T15:12:56.852-07:00Medication and Couples Therapy<span class="il" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">I have been involved in a recent discussion with my AFTA colleagues about the culture of medication and </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">"saving psychotherapy from the </span><span class="il" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">medication</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"> takeover." Regarding medication and couples therapy, </span><span class="il" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"> one of our Syracuse, NY thinkers, Dave Keith wrote, </span><span class="il" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">"<b>medications</b></span><b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"> are sometimes </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">necessary, but rarely sufficient. Relationships are always necessary and </span></b><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">sometime sufficient." </b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">Well put Dave!</span><br />
<br />jkfamilytherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10784226143195228426noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9123838716679656619.post-86068270189426960532015-08-03T16:35:00.000-07:002015-08-12T11:20:25.421-07:00Best of 2015 Pschotherapists<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha7kD8ew5VIGzeOX2znH7303hBKGtJ7XUtfIe9EKRu962HsVs1ek4ACeHL8OUA6TlXg-Kz5nTEImM88dDOSXkUde9Ih_9ZjO19ifjCu9GO6lGa0rhcad1MJppy3Gz_M-8VLuehyphenhyphenwsTa9U/s1600/award.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha7kD8ew5VIGzeOX2znH7303hBKGtJ7XUtfIe9EKRu962HsVs1ek4ACeHL8OUA6TlXg-Kz5nTEImM88dDOSXkUde9Ih_9ZjO19ifjCu9GO6lGa0rhcad1MJppy3Gz_M-8VLuehyphenhyphenwsTa9U/s200/award.jpg" width="153" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
I am honored to have received this distinction 3 years in a row (2013-2015).<br />
Thank you all!<br />
<br />
Press Release<br />
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE<br />
<br />
<div style="font-size: 15px; font-weight: 700;">
Jon Kramer LCSW Receives 2015 Best of Hermosa Beach Award</div>
Hermosa Beach Award Program Honors the Achievement<br />
<br />
HERMOSA BEACH July 9, 2015 -- Jon Kramer LCSW has been selected for the 2015 Best of Hermosa Beach Award in the Psychotherapists category by the Hermosa Beach Award Program.<br />
Each year, the Hermosa Beach Award Program identifies companies that we believe have achieved exceptional marketing success in their local community and business category. These are local companies that enhance the positive image of small business through service to their customers and our community. These exceptional companies help make the Hermosa Beach area a great place to live, work and play.<br />
<br />
Various sources of information were gathered and analyzed to choose the winners in each category. The 2015 Hermosa Beach Award Program focuses on quality, not quantity. Winners are determined based on the information gathered both internally by the Hermosa Beach Award Program and data provided by third parties.<br />
<div class="heading">
<br /></div>
<div class="heading">
About Hermosa Beach Award Program</div>
The Hermosa Beach Award Program is an annual awards program honoring the achievements and accomplishments of local businesses throughout the Hermosa Beach area. Recognition is given to those companies that have shown the ability to use their best practices and implemented programs to generate competitive advantages and long-term value.<br />
<br />
SOURCE: Hermosa Beach Award Program<br />
<br />jkfamilytherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10784226143195228426noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9123838716679656619.post-24147837596168363962015-06-26T14:54:00.000-07:002015-06-26T14:54:01.507-07:00My Musings On Couples and Family Therapy<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
I was recently interviewed by 2 impressive Podcast hosts for their show, "Talking Therapy." We discussed my experiences as a family and couples therapist.</div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
Here’s the link:</div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<a href="http://traffic.libsyn.com/talkingtherapy/Talking_Therapy_Ep._3_Family_Therapy_with_Jon_Kramer_LCSW.mp3" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">http://traffic.libsyn.com/<wbr></wbr>talkingtherapy/Talking_<wbr></wbr>Therapy_Ep._3_Family_Therapy_<wbr></wbr>with_Jon_Kramer_LCSW.mp3</a></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
You can also get it at iTunes here: </div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<a href="https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/talking-therapy-podcast/id987607555?mt=2" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">https://itunes.apple.com/us/<wbr></wbr><span class="il">podcast</span>/talking-therapy-<wbr></wbr><span class="il">podcast</span>/id987607555?mt=2</a></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=d73430a599&view=fimg&th=14d1f9a673ce2dda&attid=0.1.1&disp=emb&attbid=ANGjdJ9sx96WjEXXz2l3zrUE9E1yxyCkG_68My3ATRCtNbUydOxcP871LUXWd5QSAk0sNvLmMxdXT_cP2VI6HX4AQx6lmUcrV3x2JNAezp1IPqKjvLYnFJ93iMtkKHM&sz=w1008-h720&ats=1435355123852&rm=14d1f9a673ce2dda&zw&atsh=1" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" class="CToWUd a6T" height="142" src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=d73430a599&view=fimg&th=14d1f9a673ce2dda&attid=0.1.1&disp=emb&attbid=ANGjdJ9sx96WjEXXz2l3zrUE9E1yxyCkG_68My3ATRCtNbUydOxcP871LUXWd5QSAk0sNvLmMxdXT_cP2VI6HX4AQx6lmUcrV3x2JNAezp1IPqKjvLYnFJ93iMtkKHM&sz=w1008-h720&ats=1435355123852&rm=14d1f9a673ce2dda&zw&atsh=1" style="outline: 0px;" tabindex="0" width="200" /></a></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
</div>
jkfamilytherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10784226143195228426noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9123838716679656619.post-26179994693181378252015-05-07T11:52:00.001-07:002015-05-12T12:12:51.086-07:00Parents Take Note: Good News for Children and the Anxiety of Choosing a College Parents of college age children, take a deep breath! Frank Bruni has written an excellent article about the pervasive anxiety associated with getting our children into a top 10 college or university. Attempting to gain admission to a top 10 school is a merciless task. And there is some silly notion that not gaining this admission is akin to failure. Refreshingly, Bruni shares in his piece, "it is statistically easier today than it was 30 years ago for an American high school senior who seeks admission to one of the 100 or even 50 most highly regarded colleges to gain it." This is great news for us parents to remember and to remind our children. <a href="http://time.com/author/frank-bruni/">http://time.com/author/frank-bruni/</a>jkfamilytherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10784226143195228426noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9123838716679656619.post-88933670454592613682013-05-14T10:09:00.000-07:002013-05-14T10:12:41.060-07:00Lets look up. Outside ourselves. It is a good way to quiet the inner critic that tries to make us feel bad.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4DMSfq-fG-soDlsIPPqa9ul4P-UT-Lz_Liub_vNXBA_F1HryZbWUj8Ouj5GD3k2Wkx90l7dmHD05YrYW_F8isph54fJzoYM5oIkBXDO0BrwzvNJnTWBjgW-IJwQfaoqClReB6qXuifsI/s1600/033.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4DMSfq-fG-soDlsIPPqa9ul4P-UT-Lz_Liub_vNXBA_F1HryZbWUj8Ouj5GD3k2Wkx90l7dmHD05YrYW_F8isph54fJzoYM5oIkBXDO0BrwzvNJnTWBjgW-IJwQfaoqClReB6qXuifsI/s320/033.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />jkfamilytherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10784226143195228426noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9123838716679656619.post-3826379501926522452013-05-13T11:53:00.000-07:002013-05-13T11:53:12.234-07:00Step on the gas pedal of change. There is light at the end of the tunnel.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7Vp0G6IRXzCrm8aayMMcgoz17Km-ji-CaQEF_hKPcp2yXLkmBN3NDJEfZCoTRIVHfz5yZi6OK5MJ-NQisrgjZ86K4odOMIpqLDxo_5yljHdSyuW6g94O93yzkPmc5kpr4zvx0LtQUJg4/s1600/038.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="158" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7Vp0G6IRXzCrm8aayMMcgoz17Km-ji-CaQEF_hKPcp2yXLkmBN3NDJEfZCoTRIVHfz5yZi6OK5MJ-NQisrgjZ86K4odOMIpqLDxo_5yljHdSyuW6g94O93yzkPmc5kpr4zvx0LtQUJg4/s320/038.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />jkfamilytherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10784226143195228426noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9123838716679656619.post-415919614763189662013-05-04T22:41:00.000-07:002013-05-04T22:41:08.601-07:00Sometimes the sunlight of understanding sits on the other side.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVXfxFJidqe1Fqzow5ssSMiFNxVSb2HYhezFrrvYOirRHFJ2JJDyR3oflFSklnpwUUPoU-3TrASDeBoDq2bPVam0YlSO2rClw7N2_cmdPDo9HXAKvy3P45ndFkulC4OJCCQIKDtg3XoOg/s1600/029.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVXfxFJidqe1Fqzow5ssSMiFNxVSb2HYhezFrrvYOirRHFJ2JJDyR3oflFSklnpwUUPoU-3TrASDeBoDq2bPVam0YlSO2rClw7N2_cmdPDo9HXAKvy3P45ndFkulC4OJCCQIKDtg3XoOg/s320/029.JPG" width="285" /></a></div>
<br />jkfamilytherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10784226143195228426noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9123838716679656619.post-23104195542190190152013-03-31T16:14:00.000-07:002013-05-04T22:34:37.443-07:00Enjoy the view. Even when it is not always that clear.<div class="separator" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;">
<img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOoAWYsotEB-z7MCZMkRIQRrDWTFhY37Y_fsLyem5AEOoiBxhqIck_saBYuULCsbG-9if-YNrBNwxCZDDAcjO3Sq24sFusb5ZbTHH45_IbAzabQStoZ5C6ZlTddAMdxUmfyJgcjMRpeCs/s320/156+(2).JPG" width="320" /></div>
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jkfamilytherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10784226143195228426noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9123838716679656619.post-83860607517194573472011-09-09T13:05:00.000-07:002011-12-30T17:21:08.980-08:00Making Meaning Out Of Infidelity<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3r1IGsTcgDRU__Cwq1pMGu9Okh5PEAB1-d8KYckzxl_IK7cPF7AdWl2VJIVe0n9G6UKLW1ji2XmksarS5tWcusBeojRlGEhkPHcF0XQek8e8MrWyJt_-BAQYCXeIBL3dAG51TKCfzJo8/s1600/021.JPG"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 320px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5692096247988565522" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3r1IGsTcgDRU__Cwq1pMGu9Okh5PEAB1-d8KYckzxl_IK7cPF7AdWl2VJIVe0n9G6UKLW1ji2XmksarS5tWcusBeojRlGEhkPHcF0XQek8e8MrWyJt_-BAQYCXeIBL3dAG51TKCfzJo8/s320/021.JPG" /></a><br /><br /><div>The film "Every Day" by Director Richard Levine highlighted for me 2 important ideas. First, resentments usually settle in when we choose not to express ourselves or our needs. Instead, we keep them to ourselves, they inevitably fester, and lead to us to emotional isolation. An alternative path might be to strike a position of transparency in the face of our tendency toward isolation and withdrawal. Second, this film addressed the complexities of infidelity. Usually infidelity is born out of a brewing emotional disconnect which has been going on well before the infidelity occurred. All too often our impulse is to make meaning out of infidelity in victim-villain terms. From this place, coming to understand what may have happened and even transforming the crisis is very difficult.</div>jkfamilytherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10784226143195228426noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9123838716679656619.post-13987576668597644992011-02-27T17:11:00.000-08:002011-03-03T16:45:20.290-08:00Hazards of Social Networking<span style="font-family:arial;">I watched an interesting documentary called "Catfish" by Filmmakers Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman. This film speaks to the potential hazards of social networking and reminds us parents to keep an eye on who our children are "friending" online. I think this film also reminds us to value our own online privacy and to reflect on the difference between a face to face relationship and one conducted through the technologies of the Internet, text messaging, and email. </span>jkfamilytherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10784226143195228426noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9123838716679656619.post-6066959448323939222010-12-09T15:18:00.000-08:002010-12-15T13:39:09.047-08:00Tempered Optimism<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjww0BsLKjQc8H0mAV1VkIFIolQdQSPE7hOKio-BiJYjo8KadIU3-JO0ZXiCGIngGm1oMvL6eTLzI5ddS8e4630B3x-1ZKD94-BIqLPvgB4XYMk_XnYwSXsmOqOM-_q31y1aDOyg5Ki6Y/s1600/022.JPG"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 240px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5551026700926459618" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjww0BsLKjQc8H0mAV1VkIFIolQdQSPE7hOKio-BiJYjo8KadIU3-JO0ZXiCGIngGm1oMvL6eTLzI5ddS8e4630B3x-1ZKD94-BIqLPvgB4XYMk_XnYwSXsmOqOM-_q31y1aDOyg5Ki6Y/s320/022.JPG" /></a><br /><div><span style="font-family:arial;">I recently read an interesting article by a Dutch Psychologist, Ad Bergsma in the September 2010 Issue of Ode Magazine (Odemagazine.com). Dr. Bergsma discusses the growing movement within mental health in response to the societal pressure, particularly in America, to be in a constant state of "positivity" and "optimism." There is a developing body of research suggesting an alternative more balanced view called "tempered optimism;" hoping for a positive outcome and balancing it with a healthy dose of pessimism. A tempered optimist will want things to go well but will remember that things can go wrong and will plan accordingly. Various studies seem to suggest that when we enter into challenging situations, including relationships, from an understanding that they may be difficult and probably won't come easily, we are more apt to experience more positive, long term success. </span></div>jkfamilytherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10784226143195228426noreply@blogger.com0