Substance Abuse and Discernment Counseling

I’ve decided to write a bit more about Discernment Counseling, specifically another “hard reason for considering divorce:” substance abuse/addiction. To review for a moment, Discernment Counselors refer to hard versus soft reasons for considering divorce; hard reasons are considered the more challenging issues, which often lead to a divorce decision, as opposed to soft ones (i.e. poor communication), which are presumed to be more “workable.”  As I have previously mentioned in other posts, the research has shown that approximately 30% of couples approach divorce with some amount of ambivalence.  As such these are the couples that could benefit from Discernment Counseling, a structured process for couples to explore their options before making a final decision about staying together and working on their marriage or pursuing divorce.

Alcohol/drugs, as well as Internet pornography are the more common addictions that present in my practice.  For the sake of simplicity I will focus this post on drug and alcohol abuse.  In Discernment language, there are usually  “leaning in” and  “leaning out “ partners.  The leaning in partner prefers to work on the marriage in an attempt to salvage it.  The leaning out person is more ready to pursue divorce.  Sometimes I have seen the substance abuser present in therapy leaning in and other times leaning out.  In the leaning in scenario, this person shows up desperate to save the marriage despite abusing substances for some time, creating chaos and resentment in their wake.  As such, the non-abusing partner is usually leaning out and largely ready to end the relationship having given up on any hope for change.  Usually they are hurt and feel disrespected by their partner’s actions.  Alternatively, there is also the scenario where the addict presents as leaning out, “hell bent on maintaining a marriage” with substances over their partner.  In this case, the non-abusing partner continues to lean in, often motivated by worry about emotionally or financially disrupting their children, and/or fears about custody issues down the line (i.e. potentially leaving their children alone with an “unsafe” parent).  

If the addict is leaning in, preferring to stay and work on their marriage, then they have to face abstinence.  As I wrote in my prior post about infidelity, the substance abuser has to be ready to give up substances, at least during the 6-month period of couples therapy.  This is easier said than done for someone who has an active addiction.  In graduate school l was taught the addiction continuum: use to misuse to abuse.  Misuse and abuse pose the more difficult scenarios.  While abstinence is ideal, I have worked with couples where a decision is made to accept substance use in the form of what is called “warm turkey” as opposed to “cold turkey.”  This means some form of use (but not misuse or abuse), jointly agreed upon by the couple.  Warm turkey is unconventional in the world of addiction and psychotherapy.  As I have learned through my clinical experiences however, use is often an easier 1^st step to make for the substance-abusing spouse.  With 12-step support (or something akin) the goal is to gradually assist the substance abuser, with the participation of their spouse, to move toward substance elimination.  The goal is total abstinence with a recovery program in place.  If a couple can get to this point, despite substance abuse/addictions being viewed as a hard reason, then there is some hope for saving the marriage.  If not, chances for salvaging a marriage are usually slim.