Tempered Optimism

I recently read an interesting article by a Dutch Psychologist, Ad Bergsma in the September 2010 Issue of Ode Magazine (Odemagazine.com). Dr. Bergsma discusses the growing movement within mental health in response to the societal pressure, particularly in America, to be in a constant state of "positivity" and "optimism." There is a developing body of research suggesting an alternative more balanced view called "tempered optimism;" hoping for a positive outcome and balancing it with a healthy dose of pessimism. A tempered optimist will want things to go well but will remember that things can go wrong and will plan accordingly. Various studies seem to suggest that when we enter into challenging situations, including relationships, from an understanding that they may be difficult and probably won't come easily, we are more apt to experience more positive, long term success.

The Asking Process

Couples and Family Therapy is often about asking a loved one to make certain changes on our behalf. I believe there are 2 significant parts of "the asking process:" how we ask (as opposed to what we ask), and paradoxically in separating ourselves from the expectation that the change request will be honored. The more we ask for change without an attachment to the outcome, the greater the chance it will occur.

Siblings

I recently read a well developed article about sibling relationships in the August, 2010 Psychology Today Magazine (http://www.psychologytoday.com/) by H.E. Marano. Marano describes how this important family relationship, including sibling positioning, shapes who we are and the people we are attracted to as adults. I have a copy of it in my office.

Clear The Mind

I just returned from a drive to Big Sur. This is a good trip to clear one's mind, calm the nervous system, and for couples to reconnect. The enormity of nature can put one's problem-concerns in perspective. Good "therapy" but best to leave the kids at home for this one.

The Pornography Epidemic

I recently read an article by Wendy Maltz, LCSW ("Out of the Shadows: What's The Prevalence of Porn Doing To Our Psyches?" ("Psychotherapy Networker," November/December 2009). Mrs. Maltz quotes a 2004 Columbia University study revealing that 45% of teens admit to having friends who regularly view or download porn; a 2009 Harris Interactive Survey showing 19% of teens sexting; and 2009 data by the CDC identifying the age of 1st sexual encounters falling while teen-pregnancy and teen sexually transmitted disease rates increasing.

There is a widespread practice of sexual acting out in preteens and teens, boys and girls alike. I see the worried faces of parents' in my LA based psychotherapy practice who ask me what they should do after they have read their child's IM or Text Messages, or have had a conversation confirming their child's participation in risky sexual behavior.

Parents, it is important to establish a deep emotional connection with your child and one that starts early in his/her life. Dads, your presence in challenging this social assault is vital; especially if you have a daughter. Daughters' who seem to grow up with a long-standing belief that they are not understood by their parents' are too often positioned to use sex and porn as a way of validating themselves and filling an emotional void. It seems like parents become aware of their child's interest in porn or sex and then feel compelled to act. This puts parents way behind the curve with a road to offering protection that is long; often too long to make and filled with anxiety and trepidation.

Infidelity: A subtype

Infidelity is running rampant in our country. I hear about it all the time in my LA based psychotherapy practice. Current studies reveal: 1) that approximately 50% of married women and 55% of married men engaged in infidelity at some point during their relationship; and 2) roughly 69% of all marriages don't last after an affair has been admitted to or discovered. This is my theory on what is happening in heterosexual marriages:

During the early stages of the relationship, the woman is the more likely of the pair to have an affair. She is a wife and not yet a mother and a wife. She still largely defines herself as a sexual being and the men and women around her support this view. Once in a marriage, but before she becomes a mother, the walls of the relationship are more likely to close in on her and the odds of trying to escape though infidelity increase. Men will be drawn to her and she will be tempted to stray. Settling in with the same man and having sex only with him for the rest of her life can feel suffocating. For the man in the relationship, he has finally found the person he wants to be with. She will become the woman who will mother his children. It is during this time that the walls of their relationship open up for him and he settles in knowing that his life is taking shape and he has just crossed a major milestone.

Once children come into this picture things start to shift and it becomes more likely for the husband to cheat. Women as mothers’ become more attached to their mates and rarely have serious eyes for other men. They have acted on a biological urge to procreate and now it is the woman’s turn for the walls to expand as she desires to settle in as a family. For the man though the opposite seems to occur. He now worries about his attractiveness and sexual currency. The walls start to close in on him as he becomes more and more restless. His escape is through infidelity. What also seems to increase the odds of his infidelity is when his wife predominantly views herself as a mother, as opposed to the wife, the sexual being, he married. He comes home already feeling restless, and scared for his own mortality, and is met with a wife who is no longer seductive or sexual, and is often tired out from the kids and her work.

The way out of cycle lies in understanding and anticipation of this particular marital dynamic. Early into marriage, men need to support their wives’ as sexual beings, who can have other men but choose them. Later into marriage however, it is the women who need to remind their husbands not only that they are good dads but also that they are sexually valued by other women but choose to be with them.

The Impulsive or Rebellious Child

For those parents who have impulsive or rebellious children who prefer to march to their own beat, breathe deeply. I was moved by a piece in the September 2nd, 2009 NY Times Sunday Magazine Section about 39 year old Spike Jonze.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/06/magazine/06jonze-t.html
Spike barely made it out of High School. BMX motocross and skateboarding, it seemed, were about all that captured his young imagination. I know there are many parents who can relate to this. Parents who ask each other, me, and their children, "where is skateboarding or a dirt bike going to get you in life?" Well hold on now!

In today's competitive school environment, Spike was a child who probably would have been labelled Attention Deficit (ADHD) or Oppositional Defiant (ODD). I see the the young Spike Jonzes' all the time in my LA based psychotherapy practice. They are the kids who push their parents to the brink by breaking rules, challenging authority, blowing off their school work and sports commitments. A cycle intensifies when parents', out of concern, attempt to reign in their children by offering all kinds of positive and negative incentives, but the pushing and threatening only serves to increase their child's act out behavior.

Spike was probably met with a lot of judgement and scorn as a youth. He wasn't exactly on the Ivy League Fast Track. His single parent mother was probably concerned and scared for her son. I encourage you parents out there to meet your "Spikes" with curiosity and a bit of faith instead. Spike may have barely made it out of High School but he went on to make ground breaking music videos and then the feature film “Being John Malkovich” which was nominated for three major Academy Awards, including best director, as well as “Adaptation” which was nominated for four more Academy Awards and one Oscar. He did all this before reaching his mid thirties. Not all willful or unruly children will end up another Spike Jonze. I will say though that "the outside the box children" are often the ones who go on to do great things.